In 2019, I received a diagnosis of PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), and a few weeks later, I was diagnosed with Frontal Fibrosing Alopecia (FFA). These diagnoses came after a five-year battle with my doctor and other specialists to determine what was happening to my body. Often, I left my doctor's office in tears, feeling frustrated. I was told, "It’s just part of getting older" or "your symptoms aren’t really that bad." I knew something was not right, and what I was experiencing was not normal.

After my diagnosis, my world shifted from trying to figure out what was happening to me to trying to navigate how to heal. Knowing I had PCOS and FFA gave me guidelines on what my body needed to heal and how to start making changes to support that. What I didn’t fully understand was the emotional and mental healing I was about to begin.

My first major symptom of PCOS was struggling to get pregnant. At the time, I had no idea why I could not get pregnant. So many people around me were getting pregnant and having babies, but not me. All I’ve ever wanted since I was a child was to be a mom, and I didn’t know if that dream was going to happen. I felt like a failure. It took a few years, multiple tests, and many tears before I became pregnant with my first daughter. My body remembered what to do, and I became pregnant with my second child relatively quickly.

Things kind of moved along after I had my girls. I had a few symptoms, but I just thought it was how your body changed after having kids. About ten years ago, I started to notice my symptoms were getting worse. My hair was falling out fast, mostly at my hairline, but the hair on my face was growing at rapid rates. My periods were extremely heavy and painful, I was struggling with sleep and feeling anxious. Something wasn’t right. My body didn’t feel like mine anymore.

I felt like I was constantly fighting with my body. It wasn’t functioning the way it used to or the way I wanted it to. I also started to struggle with how my body looked. My appearance was changing and not in a way I liked. No matter how hard I tried or how much I starved myself, I could not lose weight. And my face was changing too. I love skincare and have a really good skincare routine that helps my skin look youthful and smooth. But my skin was no longer smooth; it was getting a weird texture. I would feel so sad when I looked in the mirror; the person I saw was not the person I recognized anymore.

During this time, both before and after my diagnosis, I attempted to heal physically, emotionally, and mentally in private. I only shared what I was going through with a handful of people because I was embarrassed and frustrated with how I looked and felt. I was not kind to the person I saw in that mirror. I struggled to go out and be seen. All I focused on was how I looked and if anyone could see that I was losing my hair. I had lost my spark, and I was missing out on so much.

I honestly don’t know what shifted in me, but something did. I knew I could not keep going like this. I missed being me. I missed being happy and joyful. I wanted to be that quirky, fun-loving, big-hearted girl again. I knew I might not get back to physically looking like the old me, and I was okay with that. That wasn’t going to stop me from diving deeper into my healing.

I started to tune into my soul and listen to what it needed. I let go of the guilt I had with resting and self-care. Taking care of myself took on a different form now. There are slower days, filled with more connections with nature, and involve distancing myself from situations and individuals that cause drama and stress. Boundaries were reintroduced, and some relationships I had to let go of to focus on the ones that brought me joy, that understood the give and take in relationships, the ones who see me, support me, and love me for simply being me. I learned (and continue) to be more gentle with myself and to take the words “fat” and “ugly” out of my inner dialogue. I started to focus on what I liked about myself and not the parts that I didn’t. I forgave myself for being so mean to myself and I am learning to love myself again.

I have learned a lot about healing. Healing takes time, patience, gentleness, and support. Healing is hard, and there are so many layers to it. There are still moments when I stumble and start down the path of beating myself up like I used to, but now, I recognize these moments, and that it’s okay to have bad days; I’m human, it’s going to happen. I sit with the emotions that come up, feel them, and then release them.

One other thing I have learned on this healing journey of mine is that not all healing can be done alone. Having a supportive community to hold space for you as you navigate this journey is important. I have and continue to work on my healing, and I am so grateful for the supportive people I have in my life that continue to show up for me. That's why I am deeply passionate about the work I do, which involves holding space for you as you undergo your own journey of transformation and healing.

My Healing Journey with PCOS and Alopecia

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